Defective
by Aquamonkey
Summary: This is something I have had in my mind for a while. This will have swearing and possible depressing bits in it. A short one-shot.


Defective

*Elise Shepard has called Kaidan to her quarters, he has no idea why but he decides to go*

"Kaidan? Sorry I just, I just needed to talk to someone. Someone I trust". The tinge of upset in her voice worried him, but her saying she trusted him made him feel a little better. "Shepard. Commander?" Elise shook her head. "You shouldn't call me that. You are a higher rank than me. It should be me calling you Sir, hell, even Commander. The state I am in, what I've done, your achievements, your courage, you should be Commander of the Normandy, not me". Kaidan sat opposite her on the couch and tilted his head. "What you've done? Shepard, the first human Specter, took down two Reapers, took down Saren, survived Akuze, I could go on and on about what you have achieved. I do not deserve to be Commander. Hey...hey". Elise had started to cry, and Kaidan scolded himself for wondering why. Then she looked into his eyes and he knew why.

"I may have done all that. But am I even the Shepard that I was when I defeat Sovereign and Saren? Or I am just chunks of metal and technology stuck together with Cerberus tape fixing it in place? A robot, programmed to do their bidding, when the old Shepard wanted to fight, against them. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I am a human, I think. I sometimes look at EDI and wonder just how much of the tech that Dr Eva's body had in it do I have? Am I a goddamned hunk of metal, posing as a human? I can barely feel anymore. It's like I expect to wake up one day and find a silver gleam in my eyes, metal where my limbs should be, damn Cerberus stickers on me, inside and out, claiming ownership of the once 'great' Commander Shepard. But I still feel pain, anger and love. They merge and it scares me. I try and try but I fail. Why don't people see that I feel things? All people see is my mistakes, when people die I get all the flack, yet they don't see the people I saved. I can't save everyone, even though I want to, need to. It's fucking disgusting how people view me. They used to say I was their 'saviour', even when people died in the fight. Yet know when people die, I am their 'failure' and it almost feels like people want me to crumble in front of them. That would give them more ammunition to throw at me. Oh she's weak, she's just a human being". Elise stopped crying but the sobbing hadn't. It was loud, straining her voice, and making Kaidan ache to hold her. But he just sat and listened, like she needed him too. She really appreciated that.

"I sound insane. Hell I probably am. Bat shit crazy, padded cell, straight jacket crazy. I need to cry, but the galaxy won't have that. They won't allow me to express my humanity. I have to be their everything, I don't like it anymore. Gone are the times when I enjoyed fighting, I fought bad guys, harmful bastards who think they are superior to others. I used to protect people. Now I use them. I don't want to, but I do. I use some of them as fodder, to save all of the others. The fodder becomes food for the sentient beings. Just like when I had to get my crew back, before they were fed to a fucking human Reaper. A human Reaper, death and destruction at it's monstrous hands. A monstrosity. So why was it when I first saw it, I actually thought did I have any of the parts it has in it's body? I have so much blood on my hands, soap and water can only cleanse away so much. I'm...I'm defective Kaidan. Why you even care about me is a mystery. No one else would put up with an insane woman. But, I'm sorry. Please don't think that I don't appreciate and return your feelings. I love you, but I am scared that I will hurt you, and it won't be because I want to, please know that. I never want to hurt you, you are the best thing in my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, the person that I want to be with till, hell, I grow old. If I grow old. What the Reapers have done to Earth, Palaven, what Cerberus have done. I want to kill every one of them. That's violent I know, but I think...I think that's the only way I can get past this, you know?" Elise's voice know hurt her throat, her tears ran again, staining her black tank top. The old tears dried, only to be quickly replaced with fresh ones. Kaidan's heart wrenched up into his throat, he really needed to hold her now.

"I'm sorry K. I just needed to get that all out. Feeling a little better now. Can the crying wimp have a cuddle? Please?" Kaidan stood up and pulled her up in to his arms. "Elise, you are not a wimp. Never ever think that crying makes you pathetic. I love you, your strength is unparalleled. It always has been. Anyone else would have crumbled with what you have had to do. The situations you have been put in would make some people suicidal. Yet here you stand, not some Cerberus monster, or a piece of scrap metal. You have done so much, you, no, we can defeat the Reapers. The crew, myself, we are all here for you, no matter what happens. People will always die, it is inevitable. It isn't fair or nice, but it will always happen. I almost lost you because of my own stupidity on Horizon. I will never, ever let you go again. You are still the Elise that I know and love, that we all know and care about. There always will be people that judge you, even if you save people, or a planet, a system even, those people will always try to drag you down to their miserable level just so they can have a bit of closure. You are a damned hero Elise, still the first human Specter, still human, always human".

Elise's crying finally stopped. Her sobs were now drawn out breaths. She squeezed onto her biotic love, his body heat soothing her. She knew she was a lucky woman to have him in her life. She would treasure him.

And she would be damned if she didn't tear off every single Reaper's mechanical limbs, and the Illusive Man's head.


End file.
